A gratitude practice for couples

What the research found

Sara Algoe, Shelly Gable and Natalya Maisel (2010) asked both members of cohabiting couples to keep a daily diary. On days when one partner felt gratitude for something the other had done, both partners reported feeling more connected and more satisfied with the relationship the next day. The authors called everyday gratitude a “booster shot” for relationships.

Amie Gordon and colleagues (2012) ran a series of studies on appreciation in couples. People who felt more appreciated by their partner were more appreciative in return. More appreciative partners were more responsive to each other's needs and more committed, and were more likely to still be together months later. Outside observers watching couples talk in the lab could see the difference too.

Nathaniel Lambert and Frank Fincham (2011) found something less obvious: expressing gratitude to a partner made people more comfortable raising concerns in the relationship. Gratitude did not paper over problems. It made talking about them feel safer.

These are mostly studies of associations and short experiments, in couples who were already together and mostly doing fine. They do not show that gratitude can rescue a struggling relationship. They do suggest that small, regular thanks is part of how good relationships keep themselves going.

Why people do not say thank you more

If thanks is that useful, why is it so rare? Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley (2018) had people write thank you letters and predict how the recipient would feel. Writers consistently underestimated how happy and surprised recipients would be, and overestimated how awkward they would feel. Those wrong predictions made people less willing to say thank you.

In a couple, the same bias shows up as “they know I appreciate it”. They might. They would still like to hear it.

Five ways to practise together

None of these needs a special evening. Pick one and try it for a couple of weeks.

• One specific thanks a day. Not “thanks for everything” but “thanks for dealing with the plumber; I know you hate phone calls”. Specific is what makes it land.
• Three good things at dinner. Each of you says three good things from your day. At least one can be about the other person, but it does not have to be.
• Thank the effort, not just the result. “You tried hard to make tonight relaxed” counts even if the evening did not go to plan.
• Say what you noticed when they did not know you were looking. Being seen in the ordinary is part of what makes appreciation feel real.
• Keep a shared list of good days. Once a month, read it back together.

What to avoid

Scorekeeping. Gratitude stops working when it becomes a ledger of who did more. If thanks is followed by “and you never…”, it is not thanks.

Using thanks to manage the other person. Praise meant to get more of a behaviour tends to be heard that way. Thanks works best when it is about what you felt, not what you want next.

Forcing a joint ritual on a reluctant partner. You can practise on your own and simply say thank you more. That alone is the part the research is about.

Your own list helps too

A private gratitude habit tends to spill into a relationship. When you spend a minute each evening looking for good things, your partner shows up on that list more often than you expect, and noticing is the first step to saying it. Many of the best things to thank a partner for are tiny and forgettable, which is why a list helps.

If you keep your three good things in Gratitude, you can read them back by day or see them in the Sunday recap, and the nice thing someone did on Tuesday is still there to mention on Friday. The free app needs no account; see the home page for how it works.

When things are tense

Gratitude is easiest when a relationship is going well and hardest when it is not. In a tense week, a sweeping “I appreciate you” can sound hollow or even manipulative. Smaller is safer: thank one concrete thing, without a “but” after it, and leave it there.

Remember the Lambert and Fincham finding, too. Thanks did not stop people raising concerns; it made raising them easier. You do not have to choose between appreciating your partner and telling them something is wrong. Often the first makes the second go better. Serious, recurring conflict is a different matter, and a good couples counsellor is the right place for it.

If you have children

Children learn gratitude mostly by hearing it. Thanking each other where the children can hear is one of the simplest ways to teach it. There is a separate guide on gratitude for parents and children, and the same principles apply to gratitude at work.